I miss my Goldie

I decided to hop onto my Flickr account last night to take down some pictures and to add some new ones and while rummaging through my HDD, I came across these two guys.  That’s me and my new puppy back when I was 5 or 6.  You know, the good ol’ days.  I was real creative and named my new Golden Retriever Goldie.  And, over time, he became the best friend I have…and ever will have.

The thing about dogs like Golden Retrievers is that if you treat them right, they’ll love you.  Not just any kind of love, unconditional love.  The best form of love there is, right?  No matter what, that buddy of mine would never fail to recognize when I was unhappy and sad.  He’d come up to me with his head low, tail really still and proceed to nuzzle my face if I was laying down or worm his nose into my hands if I was sitting all while looking up at me with those dammed big, brown puppy eyes as if he was saying everything was going to be alright.

The great thing about a dog’s love is that it never dies, it never fades.  They never get bored with you and leave you.  They never judge you.  And that’s how my dog was with me.  When I was old enough to go away to college, my Goldie would mope around the house.  Basically, he’d be depressed.  When I showed back up during break, he’d act like his old self: a big, old puppy.

Inbetween my first and second year of school, my parents moved out to California and I helped them, dog and all.  At that point, Goldie was quite old and he was showing it.  Never would I have thought that in the middle of my first semester at school would he die.  My parents and I had talked about it before I left.  They assured me that they’d let me make any decisions, assuming there was time, if it came down to it.  I never got to make that decision.  In fact, I didn’t find out until a few days after the fact.

So, I sat there last night cropping and tweaking the above image until I was happy with the outcome.  Then I proceeded to just stare at him and I in our glory days for god-knows how long.  And I just lost it.  I literally bawled for 10 or 15 minutes.  I don’t mean just a tear, I mean full-on waterworks with the runny nose and everything.  It obviously wasn’t just about him, there are other things going on, but I realized how much I needed that fuzzy bastard to come up to me with those eyes and tell me everything would be ok.

And then that’s when I realized something: I’m not going to be alright.

My pain keeps growing

Things are only getting worse for me.  No matter what I do, no matter how much I drink, how many pills I pop, no matter how much I meditate, I keep slipping farther down.

I do and I don’t know why.  I love her more than I ever thought I could love someone and that will never, ever go away.  I’ve never wanted anyone or anything so badly in my life.  I don’t know why I let myself get to that point when I KNEW something bad would like this would happen.  I don’t know why I didn’t dump her when I wasn’t too thrilled with being with her when we first got together.

Everyday is torture for me and everyday it keeps getting worse.  I find myself doing reckless things.  I can’t keep a smile on my face.  My new co-workers seem to think this moody, semi-depressed person is really me.  I can barely sleep, and when I do, my subconscious puts her in my dreams and for a brief amount of time, everything is right between us.  Every nerve in my body burns.  My chest constantly feels tight.  It’s like I’m dying a slow and painful death and I’m not sure how much more I can take.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this torture and never-ending pain.  I must have done something in this life or a previous one that was unforgivable.

I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to be able to last.

I’m such a loser

For whatever reason, I just randomly woke up in a panic at 4 am and then a single thought ran through my mind: I’m a loser.

Here I’ve been all depressed these past several weeks (how long has it really been?) because some girl dumped me.  Here I’ve been, sad, feeling sorry for myself, hoping one day I’ll wake up and everything will be back to normal and that she’ll be back with me.  But, in reality, she’s moved on past me and that sudden realization not only sucks, it makes me feel like the loneliest guy in the universe.

See? I’m doing it again. This whole “woe-is-me” is something I can’t get passed.  At this point, I can’t be much more than a distant memory, right?  She’s a smart, beautiful girl.  She’s probably got guys already all lined up for her…and that thought alone is what’s doing me in.  You lose the girl you’re madly in love with and it kills you to know there’s going to be someone else in her life to replace you soon enough (that’s what I hate about relationships…I myself can’t move on that quickly, not in this situation…it’ll take me years to even think about seeing other girls).

Again, here I am crying and whining, expecting something to give, something to change when it’s not.  How can I see myself as anything but a loser?  Again, she’s already moving on.  That thought is going to keep me from going back to sleep…

Well, I ended up being able to fall asleep for about an hour before having to get for work.  And I started dreaming.  And, of course, she showed up in my dreams acting like everything was going to be ok between us, cuddling with me and kissing me and whatnot.

I think my subconscious wants me to kill myself.  Sounding better everyday…

Batman: Arkham Asylum…A Must Buy

I got this game on release day (thank you, Amazon, for your free street day shipping!) and I loved it from the beginning.  While there are some classic Batman games out there (think NES), they’ve all pretty much sucked, not to mention been pretty boring.

Now steps in Batman: Arkham Asylum and you have yourself a whole other ballgame.

Before I knew the main characters would be “played” by the people who’ve spent so many years doing the voices, I was hesitant.  Then  I watched a game trailer for it and heard Joker’s voice.  Then I got excited.  For those of you who remember the animated series back in the 90’s, you’ll recognize a few voices in the game, but probably not the names: Kevin Conroy (Batman), Mark Hamill (the Joker…and Luke Skywalker) and Arleen Sorkin (Harley Quinn, the evil vixen that plays second fiddle to Joker).  And the voice acting was stupendous.

I’m not going to delve into the plot or anything like that.  You want to know the plot?  Play the game.  But, I’ll go into other aspects that I found helped make the game as successful as it has been.

The fighting is great.  No killing of course, but you definitely get plenty of opportunities to crack skulls.  Given the situation, you can either jump into the middle of a group of guys while throwing punches, elbows, kicks, etc. all while dodging, leaping and counter-attacking.  Or you can play it quiet (most useful when the baddies have guns) and hang around the rafters and wait for an opportunity to either glide down or hang above an unsuspecting convict and rope him up.  You’ve got yourself the Batarang (single, multiple or guided missile) to daze guys, to distract guys or to terrify the living shit of guys.

Basically, combat is pretty much perfect.  Strangely enough, it doesn’t become dull and boring after the countless of hours of playtime.  If anything, it becomes more exciting as you’re faced with greater numbers and extra muscle.

Now that I think about it, the only thing that would have made the stealth aspect of this game better is if you could throw smoke pellets.

The gameplay itself is very addictive and immersive.  I found myself playing and playing and playing, finally glancing at the time and realizing 3 or 4 hours went by without even realizing it.  While some tasks may seem tedious and repetitive (mainly if you keep screwing up/dying and having to repeat things), you quickly get past that feeling as you push through the story.  By the time I was 75% finished, I found myself wishing I had gone slower so I could savor the enjoyment of it all.

Of course, there are collectibles/hidden items throughout the game with a Riddler twist on them.  Luckily, they’re not all same kinds of collectibles (you have your Riddler trophies, Arkham secrets, actual riddles to solve and Arkham interview tapes with the villains) and I actually found myself going through and collecting all of them after I had finished the game 100%.  Plus, these hidden items allow you to accrue even more experience points which, of course, are used to upgrade aspects of Batman: weapons, armor, skills, etc.  And as you progress, you gain more of those wonderful toys to not only help deal with whatever situations arise but to help you obtain some of these trophies.

Once you’re done with the game, or even during, there are “challenges” you can complete outside of story mode.  And, just like any other game, you got to unlock all the levels by progressing through the game and collecting the trophies.  So far, I’m enjoying them.

I’m leaving a lot out, I know.  What I’ve said here is just a taste of what one experiences in the game and if you choose not to play, you’re missing out.  As you might know, Batman is a bit of a brooding, dark character which is a stark contrast to Bruce Wayne…you know, the man behind the mask?  Given the mood I was, and still am, in during the gameplay, I got as close as I’ll ever feel to being Batman (assuming I die before the holodeck becomes mainstream).  The game does a good job of making you feel like Batman, from his flowing fighting style at your fingertips to the way the bad guys get agitated and fearful while you’re stalking them from above, slowly picking them off one-by-one to solving the Riddler’s riddles.

No matter what you got, PC, 360 or the PS3, you won’t be disappointed.  Although, the PS3 has a download to play as the Joker (that’s the console I have but I haven’t had the time to play as him…been too depressed even for video games as of late).  This game is WELL worth the money.

LA Officials Put Wildfire Blame on Environmentalists

When I first heard this, I couldn’t believe it.

I’m sure anyone reading this has heard about the fires pretty much running wild in the LA area.  It’s pretty hard too miss it in the news, especially if you’re living in the area.  The sky is orange and my car is covered in ash most mornings.  It’s not a good thing.

As of right it now, the cause of this massive fire appears to be arson (it seems rare when these things are caused by anything but human action).  The feds had plans to clear out thousands of acres of undergrowth and brush that basically acts as kindling and does nothing more than literally add fuel to the fire.  These controlled/prescribed burns have become something than many in the environmental field recognize as being necessary not only to prevent massive blazes such as the one currently scorching the earth here, but fire also plays an intricate role in many ecosystems.

Fire is basically mother nature’s broom.  It clears out the previously mentioned undergrowth and brush that can clog up forests and other lands and, in turn, keeps those ecosystems healthy.  Fire is also critical to the survival of several plant species.  Some plants simply cannot reproduce without semi-regular fires.  And if fire is suppressed too long, when a blaze eventually ignites, it can burn too hot not only killing off the plants that depend on fire but also their seeds.  At this point, this is pretty much your basic environmentalist knowledge.

But, Los Angeles County Supervisor Mike Antonovich seems content placing the inability of the feds to clear out the necessary acreage on the shoulders of environmentalists.  Anyone who knows anything finds that sadly humorous.  Anyone I’d studied with and under in my environmental science and policy classes knows how fire plays an important role in maintaining healthy ecosystems.  Mr. Antonovich seems to think otherwise.  I wonder what kind of experience he’s had with anyone who actually knows a thing or two about environmental sciences…

Prescribed/controlled burns aren’t much safer than wildfires.  So, any agency conducting said burns must follow strict guidelines before proceeding.  That means taking many factors into consideration before proceeding with a burn.  Otherwise, things could get out of hand real quickly.  And, as you can imagine, that can make the whole process proceed at a snails pace, especially in a part of the country that’s basically a desert with high, dry heat and high winds.

The other problem, it seems, is that there just wasn’t enough money to complete the clearing process.  And that’s to be expected given the economic times we’re facing.

Of course, as you’ll be able to read in the article I’ll link to at the end of this, as I’ve said earlier, there are definitely some groups who oppose these sorts of burns thinking that air quality will be too severely impacted.  Again, it appears those people (even if “those people” include a biologist) fail to see past that small point: nature burns things all the time.  When it’s on a regular basis, the fires aren’t overtly intense…unlike the one we’re seeing now.  And, of course, when you have very large, uncontrollable fires, you have an even greater negative impact upon the air quality.  You’d think a biologist would be able to realize this…

Anyway, enough of my ramblings.  Here’s the original story where I grabbed some of the specifics of this incident.