It’s nothing, really

So many times I’ve been told by people that their belief in God is where they derive their strength from. God is how they get through the tough times in their lives, God make sure they come across the people at the right time to help them in their time of need. I don’t believe in God, I’m not religious in anyway, but to them I say: I’m happy for you. If that’s what certain people need to get through things, through life, then who am I to argue?

Of course, they then turn around and say that they “were just like me” at “my age,” that they “had questions like me” etc. Then they found God to get through it all. Up until the stuff I said in the previous paragraph, I don’t question, then these other things get mentioned. That’s when I really tend to disagree. They assume they know what I’ve been through in my life, that they lived life just like me. They don’t know me, they have no idea. I’m not like many other people, in that regard. You know what gets me through my life? My pain.

So many people have been through so much more than I, so much worse, at this point in their lives, the point that I’m at. There are also so many people who have been through so much less in their lives. No one truly knows another’s pain, even if they’ve been through the exact same thing. Everyone reacts different to experiences in their lives, that’s what makes us unique, that’s what defines us. That’s what defines who I am.

As I had just said, it’s my pain that keeps me going from day to day. Sure, I wallow in self pity, I say “why me?” just like anyone else. But, that’s what fuels me in my life, it’s those experiences that cause me that pain that makes me who I am, it’s what drives me to become something better, to make a difference. Maybe that’s why so many people with differing points of view never understand me. Maybe that’s why you, some of my closest friends, will never fully understand me.

All the times I’ve been fucked over, those times my heart has been broken, those times I’ve been used and taken advantage of. All those times I’ve done the exact same thing to others, I feel it everyday of my life. Some days it’s worse, some days I hardly notice it at all. But, for everytime I experience pain, I learn and I become stronger, it defines who I am, it gives me the drive to become someone better than I already am. My mistakes are my own, no one elses, and I’m the only one who can right those wrongs.

That’s why tonight is somewhat of a special night, sort of speak. Tonight was the first night my true naivety was uncovered, 3 years ago on this very night. Funny how bliss can turn into pain you could never imagine, even after it’s gone. That was the night I gave away something that I can never get back. Part of me wishes I could have it back, but a larger part is glad it happened. Throw aside all the bitterness I feel from it, all the turmoil I feel in my heart. It’s something to learn from, and despite all the pain it’s caused me, I’m stronger because of it.

One thing you’re probably not aware of is that I’m saying this with a grin on my face. As I said, my pain is my strength, not my weakness. If it wasn’t, I would have given up and died a long time ago.

I can love more freely than I did before.

The self-realization

We all live with fear in our life. Some of us use that fear as motivation, some of us let that fear control our lives and others are somewhere in between that. Me, at this point in my life, I’m one of those that let my fear control me. Well, I don’t “let” it do anything, actually, it just kind of forced its way into my life last Spring semester, and I haven’t been the same since.

But, my sob story really isn’t the point here, even though pity parties are nice every once in a while. So, allow me to take a moment to indulge and feel sorry for myself…ok, moment over. Anyway, yes, there is a point to all this senseless rambling I’m going on and on about tonight. The point is that I’ve realized something…well, another something.

A few weeks ago, I was randomly somewhere I can’t remember, feeling the all-too familiar tug at the back of my mind. We all know this tug, that tug that triggers the “fight-or-flight” response. For those of you that are curious, my little issue basically puts the “flight” part of it into overdrive, and my mind and adrenaline surge is off to the races…a bad race.

So, there I was, doing whatever I was doing, feeling that nudge I get everyday, on a regular basis. Fun stuff I’m telling you. As I was feeling that…feeling…something popped into my mind, randomly. It was kind of strange, it was a sort of revelation, self-realization, whatever. Kind of like an epiphany, if you want to call it that, or think of it that way. Two, maybe three, words popped into my mind. And no, it wasn’t the 3 little words that have caused me trouble in the past. I realized one thing that I never let myself realize before:

I am afraid.

It was strange, those three words popping into my mind. It was weird, really, the way I reacted to it, in my mind. While that familiar tingling of nerves starting to burn, the stomach slowly beginning to churn (the spin cycle as I like to call it). All those feelings, the sweaty palms, the pounding heart and then those three words.

All of a sudden, once those three words crossed my mind, it all went away. A sudden wash of….peace. I felt normal, I felt the way I did before this…thing happened to me. It was like a sudden wash of…well being coming over me, and it was strange. Not strange as in unfamiliar, well, maybe it was unfamiliar, it’s been a long time since I felt that way. But, it was strange to have all those feelings just disappear.

I realized that I am afraid. That’s all it is, I’m consumed by my fears and I’ve always suppressed that. Maybe it’s some kind of macho, guy thing to think that way. Admitting to your weaknesses might seem weak in itself, letting the world know you have a weakness just isn’t a good idea. Not in this world, anyway. I’ve never admitted this before, I guess, and that realization lifted one more burden off my shoulders, I suppose.

The bigger question is: what am I afraid of? I suppose that’s my next step, my next self-truth.

We do not torture, huh?

So, today, Bush proclaims that “We do not torture.”

Here

Well, you could have fooled the world. When a country like ours mistreats it’s prisoners in many cases (that we know about), has secret prison facilities around the world, refuses to let independent parties (among other things) to check in on our prisoners and refuse to sign bills that state we will not engage in torture, what is everyone supposed to think?

This current administration has proven that it is willing to lie about anything and everything and tell people employed by the government to lie to the people about little to serious issues. We’re constantly lied to about environmental issues, misinformed at every turn when it suits the federal government and it’s financial supporters. We were lied to a number of times about the “facts” leading up to our invasion of Iraq. Once one lie was uncovered, they shifted to another. Rather than tell it’s people, and the world, the truth, the U.S. just keeps doling out lies.

The vast majority of senators appear to support a bill proposed by Senator John McCain that deals with the issue of torture. It basically states that no U.S. citizen may engage or be a part of any acts of torture, CIA or average Joe or Jane. Senator McCain is a Republican, and I normally don’t get along (politically) with Republicans, but this man I like, agree with on many things, and when Republicans and Democrats can agree on something (for the most part), why exactly does an administration that tells us they want to unite the country try and kill this bill?

Well, the Bush administration doesn’t mind the bill, as long as they add a provision that exempts the CIA from being held liable under this bill. Basically, they want the CIA to be allowed to torture people, but we don’t torture. Sounds confusing and somewhat suspect, now doesn’t it?

I just don’t get it. We’re told, by Bush himself, that the United States of America does not engage in torture of prisoners and other suspected terrorists. If that were the case, then why they fight a bill that would make torture illegal (why do we even have to resort to a bill in the first case?), why do they fight outsiders gaining access to our facilities where we hold our prisoners and suspects and why should we believe anything that comes out of the mouth of compulsive liars?

I’m sorry, but the number of times I’ve bought things that have been said to my face these past 4-5 years or so by this administration, and feeling like a fool when the truth comes out, makes me feel a little bitter and somewhat suspicious.

No Respect, revisited. A cell phone saga.

Sometime, maybe a week ago or so, I ranted about people not having respect for one another these days and all that jazz. Well, a day or so after I wrote that, I noticed a little news story in the sports world about the Green Bay Packers stopping a press conference early because some dipwads cell phone rang in the middle of it and didn’t bother to fess up. It was some cameraman or something that had forgotten to turn his phone off or just put it on silent. Apparently, the Packers organization had dealt with this situation before, making it be known that they would not tolerate constant cell phone ringing during press conferences. And can you blame them? Sadly, many people seem to, thinking they “overreacted.” Is it really overreaction when they’ve repeatedly asked that phones not ring during these media events, yet, people seem to ignore that fact? Personally, I think not. Anyone who can’t turn their phone to silent, or just off, whenever it’s necessary are basically saying that they don’t respect the people enough to comply with their wishes.

What is the deal with cell phones anyway? Yeah, I got one, it’s useful, but my life doesn’t revolve around it, it revolves around my iPod. But, that’s a whole other story, now isn’t it? Anyway, cell phones seem to have made their way into the lives of Americans, and Americans seem to be dependent on them. Walk down the street of any city or college campus, go into any restaurant or any other public place and you’ll see cell phones glued to people’s ears.

What I absolutely LOVE, and by love I mean get annoyed with, are the people who use the “speaker” feature of their phone (not the Nextel walkie-talkie thing) while they’re wandering around, outside and in public. Or, they just have the volume so jacked up on the phone that they might as well be using some sort of speaker feature. I don’t need to be hearing some twerps conversation about who did who when, or that your friend caught their boyfriend banging their roomette. What makes this even better is that people actually get offended when they think you’re listening to the conversation. Well, I’m wondering what in the hell we’re supposed to do?! It’s like girls who dress up all slutty like, then get offended when guys stare at them. What are you fucking thinking?

And back to the whole cell phone thing in buildings. What the hell is it with people being inside talking at a very loud volume? That just pisses me off. Kids in lecture halls with their cell phones are even more aggravating. Can’t ever seem to remember to turn their phone off or whatever, and they actually answer the phone when people call! C’mon, you’re paying out of your ass to be in that class and to listen to some boring professor drone on and on about something we’ll end up forgetting at the end of the semester anyway. There’s no reason to answer your god damned phone to say “I’m in class, I’ll call you back later.” No shit, what the FUCK do you think voice mail is for? There’s a reason why these cell phone companies give you a voice mail account when you buy into their plans, so when you can’t and shouldn’t answer the phone, the caller can leave a god damned message. Amateurs and morons, all of you.

My absolute favorite when it comes to cell phone users: people driving while talking. I’m not against talking while driving, but when you are a retard while you drive, then maybe you should lay off the phone calls until they keys are out of the ignition, hmmm? What I get a real kick out of is when people have their arms across their faces while they’re talking. When you have your phone in your right hand, hold up to your right ear, not your left ear. And when you have your cell phone in your left hand, hold it up to your left ear. Is it really that difficult? And if your ear is getting sore from having a cell phone pressed up against it, there are two things you should do: say “hold on a second” and switch hands, or, take the fucking hint and hang up the phone. You obviously have been talking for way too long, now haven’t you?

Be smart with your cell phone, and don’t come off looking and being an asshole, it’s just not pretty.

I’m a liberal and proud of it

It’s true. I am a liberal college kid, and I don’t think I would want it any other way. It’s kind of funny when people refer to me as a liberal as if it’s some kind of insult, like I should be ashamed of who am I, how I perceive the world, how I think the world should be, how people should be and how I should be. What’s even funnier is when people tell me that they were once a “liberal” when they were my age, too, but they “came to their senses” or whatever else they say. You know what that tells me about someone who can pull a 180 and think they’re better off? It tells me they are weak, that their principles are easily swayed whenever the wind of life changes direction, that they don’t have any strength of character. But, that’s my own little shot I figured I’d throw in there, I’m not above that sort of thing now and then. It tends to set off interesting discussions, which I tend to thoroughly enjoy.

Yes, I’m a liberal and I’m proud of it. I believe that a society has a responsibility to help it’s own members that can’t help themselves. I believe in welfare, I believe every person is completely unique, and what works for one man or woman is never guaranteed to work for another. So, to those who say “I was able to pull myself up and made my life,” I congratulate them, but I also wonder what makes them think because they are able to do something like that, that everyone else can do it, too. Micheal Jordan is arguably the greatest person to play the game of basketball, and according to those people’s arguments, everyone can be the greatest basketball player. Silly, isn’t it? Everyone needs a chance, needs some help, needs someone or something to lean on, and I have no problem with my taxes going to those people. Yes, there could be better ways to deal with the impoverished, but sadly, there will always be too much compromise.

It’s true what they say, I’m a liberal and I’m proud of it. I disagree with going to war based on lies and deceit. I believe an eye-for-an-eye will eventually leave the world blind. Yes, there are times when war is inevitable, I do believe there are times when you must fight for the greater good. I do not believe, however, that going to war with a sovereign nation before they’ve made any aggressive moves is a good idea.

If anyone asks, I tell them that I am a liberal and I’m proud of it. I don’t believe it sacrificing my principles in order to sleep better at night. It goes back to the eye-for-an-eye deal. Just because there are evil people in the world who do evil things to us does not mean we are within our rights to begin to stoop to their level. Sadly, the way we treat our prisoners breeds more terrorists than we get rid of. Ask yourself, if you were being held by another country’s government, indefinitely, without the proper international laws being observed, you were mistreated for years, you were innocent and they eventually let you go, how exactly would you feel? Who would you support? Am I condoning evil? No, there’s a fine line we need to walk, and we’re not doing a good job walking it. Of course, what would you expect out of someone who’s had to walk a line or two in his life that’s running the country? (Yes, another one of those quick jabs…was it any good?). Terrorism is bad, no doubt about that, but having been attacked doesn’t give us a license to throw our principles and everything this country stands for out the window after we’ve pissed on them.

Yeah, I’m a liberal and I’m proud of it. I believe in saving trees. I believe in protecting endangered species. I believe in not destroying ecosystems so some scum bag in a suit can buy another yacht or two. I believe that we need to be stewards of the land (not the Bush definition, remind me to never let him chaperon my future kids’ prom), we have a duty to protect it from ourselves because, well, there’s only one planet and we kind of need it. I don’t believe in drilling in ANWR for a about a year or so supply of oil, most of which will end up being sold internationally (we won’t be seeing a lot of it in America, people, pay attention now). Besides the fact that it would take months upon months to even hit the U.S. market, this should be a warning bell. We’re getting desperate to find oil, shouldn’t we, maybe, find alternative fuels to replace oil with? It’s like what one of my professors once said, the best thing that could happen is if gas prices broke $4-$5 a gallon.

At the risk of repeating myself, I’m a liberal and I’m proud of it. This may sound crazy, but I don’t believe in cutting taxes, primarily to the rich, then increase governmental spending. It tends to create a little something I like to call “inequity.” It would be great if we could live the way that the government does, wouldn’t it? Not have to worry about income, but still be able to go on spending sprees. That would be the life. Unfortunately, reality tends to hit pretty hard, and this whole tax cut thing for the rich doesn’t seem to help the economy, which in turn means it doesn’t help people in poverty. Again, all back to the whole “save the poor people” who “can’t save themselves.”

Yeah, I’m idealistic. Yup, I’m young. I haven’t been out in the world “on my own”. I can’t say what it’s like, all I know is what I’ve seen and what I’ve learned. Yeah, I’m being ambitious. Yeah, it would be great if I could “save” the world. But, don’t we all want to do that? Deep down, who can honestly say they wouldn’t want to make an impact on the world? Who wouldn’t want their names to remembered throughout human history, in a positive way?

Just think about it.