It’s always got to be something in my life

*Posting this is only going to make things worse…*

I don’t know about the rest of you, but when things are going pretty good, there is always something to bring me down. My life is like a lot of songs (I plan on making a list and sharing, by the way), but there’s one in particular that fits this aspect of my life: Bombz by Lo-Pro. You people were probably expecting that other song, weren’t you? Oh, and, I have to say sorry to those RIAA pricks about looking up and using lyrics I didn’t pay for. I was too lazy to sit and listen to the song while typing them out myself…then again, that’s probably illegal, too. But, that’s another story.

I’ve been feeling more like my(old)self these past 2-3 months than I have in the past 2 years or so. So much so that I was even brainstorming a post about it! Gonna have to put that on the back-burner for the moment, I’m not much of a happy mood right now. For all of you who knew me prior to the spring of 2005: yeah, that me. Maybe even a little before that, I’m not nearly as bitter as I was before!

But, as I said, there’s always something in my life that’s gotta knock me to the ground then punch me in the groin then runaway giggling like a school girl.

The one dark cloud that has been hanging over my head just opened up and became a hurricane. This has been on my mind every single day since the summer of 2005, and I’m finally right enough to face it head-on. Well, I kept dancing out of the way at the last second when it came time to face it, but I finally stepped in front of it and squared up. Then I took a shot to the chin and went down like a sack of bricks.

I’m not going to go into the whole story again. Most of you who know me have heard enough about it and your eyes are probably tired of being rolled whenever I bring it up. Basically, the reactions are pretty much saying “This again? Didn’t you already deal with this?”

But, to bring anyone who might be remotely interested at this point up to speed: I wasn’t me, I was a wee bit of a jerk, and I’ve spent every moment since regretting it. I was given a second chance last fall, and me thinking I was back to my old self, blew it again in January.

That is my black cloud, the thought, and the person who has been over and in my head every day this entire year. Recently, I decided to face it and, as I said before, kept avoiding and putting it off and all that time-and-time again.

This evening was different, though. This evening I took a deep breath, pinched my nosed, closed my eyes, spread my arms, stepped to the ledge, started leaning forward, and dove. Not too long after I took the plunge, I realized I forgot a parachute.

The warning signs were there. A man’s fear is generally well-founded (even a man who’s fear controls him…that’s me!), and my fear over what might happen when I took that leap was a warning light I eventually dismissed. That damned little voice in the back of my head warning me about things was right once again.

Then, the moment leading right up to the jump, I realized, while sitting here in the library typing a paper, that I wasn’t getting any power for the outlet. Tried 4 sockets, none of them worked. Hindsight being 20/20, I should have taken that as a bad omen.

But, I went ahead with my plan anyway. After spending, oh, I don’t know, 4 0r 5 months going over the conversation in my head…over and over and over…and over…I figured the course of the real conversation would be the same. Is it just me, or does it never work out that way?

Anywho, after some light chatting (the usual b.s.), I went for the jugular…sorta speak. What was supposed to be a semi-pleasant, possibly even semi-emotional conversation, turned into a prelude to yet another fight and that lovely feeling of the heart sinking into the bowels of my body overcame me.

The worst part is, at this point, I really can’t blame anyone but myself. Well, maybe God or Satan, but I think those guys have had it out for me since Day 1. Rather than deal with this 4 or 5 months ago, I ran and hid. Literally and figuratively. The more I think about, the more moronic it feels that I avoided the best friend I ever had not once, but twice when she came into the store I was working at. It would have made way too much sense to walk up to her, or behind her, and give her a big, wordless hug (maybe a whispered “I missed you” thrown in) for several minutes. Of course, knowing my life, that plan would have backfired on me, too.

So, yeah, I’m sitting here in the library, draining the batter in my laptop and wasting paper-writing time, feeling depressed and sorry for myself. Can’t blame her, though, can I? Whereas I haven’t moved on, she might have, especially given how long I’ve waited to try and start things over once again. And I can’t expect her to put all the other shit going on in her life on hold to deal with me, now can I?

What sucks is, this past year-and-a-half has been wasted with fighting, hurting, and stupidity…on both sides. That’s not the sucky part, though. The part that really makes it sucky is that I’m graduating this December. Where am I going to go after that? I don’t know.

What hurts the most is the feeling that it’s Game Over, that I’ve lost the closest friend I’ve ever had. I don’t want it to be game over, but that’s what it feels like. And that scares every fiber of my body…all the way to the core of my soul.

It never pays to wait…if you wait too long, it’ll be too late.

The time to repair the roof…

…is when the sun is shining.

Makes sense, doesn’t it? John F. Kennedy was onto something when he spoke those words. Sadly, we’re long past the days when our leaders say intelligent things and think in a deep manner (“Is our children learning?”).

The reason I bring this quote up lies in the recent “Michael J. Fox vs. Rush Limbaugh” extravaganza. Somehow, that whole debacle passed under my radar when it first happened, so I’m reading details as I type here.

What I have heard in “real time” are critics and analysts talking about stem cell research and how Fox is misleading us when he talks about finding cures for diseases like Parkinson Disease. Why is it misleading? Well, because any cures that may come from stem cell research wouldn’t be readily available for years (I’ve heard 15 years for Parkinson’s disease). Gee whilikers, if we can’t find cures or solutions to things immediately, we shouldn’t even bother trying! Why didn’t I think about that?

Of course, the people who say things like that while on “news” programs tend to be billed as “conservatives”. Funny, when it comes to “conservative” agendas, they don’t care how long it takes to get things done! Iraq war, anyone?

What does this have to do with JFK’s quote I started this off on? If there are the proverbial dark clouds on the horizon, the masses tend to ignore them until it’s too late, especially when those dark clouds are controversial.

Take global warming for example. These days, the only thing scientists can’t agree on is the severity of the impact of global warming. Those who can’t find a reputable group of scientists to say the sky isn’t falling jump on the least dire predictions and claim it would be a waste of money to make changes to the way we do things on this planet. When has the strategy “hope for the best and everything will turn out ok” ever worked? I’ve used that strategy a lot and it has failed me every single time.

Back to the Michael J. Fox issue: these people who are accusing him of trying to sensationalize his message by skipping on his meds should be smacked. You know what they’re really saying? I don’t want to have to see what I’m fighting to keep from getting cured. I think Fox said it best: “And it really brings up the specter of, ‘go away, shut the window, shut the doors, close the curtains and suffer, and don’t let us know,’ because it’s a fearful response.” There are plenty of people with diseases in this country, and the world, who can’t afford medication to keep people like Limbaugh (who was an oxycontin addict for a while) from having to see the full effects of a disease. The thing that’s truly shameless here, Limbaugh, is what you said.

Michael J. Fox was at the University of South Florida a couple of years back as a guest speaker to speak about stem cell research. The lecture was put together by the Democrat group on-campus so there was no reason for Fox to put on any act. I remember how disconcerting it was to see this man I grew up watching in movies and on tv visibly struggling to keep himself from shaking. I learned a lot about stem cell research that day and it cleared up some misconceptions that had been forced down my throat by the media and by stem cell research opponents.

The time to repair the roof…

Anytime there is an important issue that needs to be dealt with, feet get dragged, issues get avoided and pushed back, and nothing gets done. Ever notice that radical change usually only comes after a horrible tragedy? Society waits until after it begins to storm before we clamor to patch the proverbial roof. Hell, we’ll even wait until the storm has passed before we start to do anything and before long, the sense of urgency is lost and feet start dragging again.

Unfortunately, extremists (on both sides) like Limbaugh make getting things done as difficult as possible. They’d rather distort the truth to further their own political agenda than do the right thing. So, do the right thing, society. Take the blinders off, get your head out of the lap of your political party, and start thinking for yourself. That roof isn’t going to fix itself

ummm….huh?

Was it just me or was there a period of time here where it took forever for anything on WordPress.com to load?  That is, the stuff that would actually load…eventually.

World Series ‘06: What the hell happened?!

I was convinced that the American League would win it all this year.  Once I knew who would be in the playoffs, I was convinced the Tigers would be the ones to win the World Series in 5.  Apparently, I was wrong.

I’m not upset that I was wrong.  I’m more confused.  How did the National League, let alone the Cardinals, runaway with the Series?  It just doesn’t make any sense to me.  Every time I checked out the score, the Tigers were down and never seemed to be able to recover.

I didn’t watch the World Series.  Not too sure why.  Maybe it’s because once the Yanks were out of it, I knew no matter the eventual outcome, I’d be happy that it just wasn’t the Yankees who won it all.  It could be because I hate how Fox broadcasts their games.  I don’t need to have every sound of the game amplified, especially when one wouldn’t normally hear those sounds (like the pounding footsteps as the base runner nears a base).

I’m just dumbfounded that the National League won.  I really don’t even know what to say.  I’m certainly scratching my head over this.

Someone care to explain this to me?

So going to cry

I’m trying to import all the posts with comments from my USF blog and it’s not going well. The comments in the posts get all screwy and some comments don’t appear at all. So, things will be a little screwy here for a while. Maybe some duplicate posts here and there, who knows. Hopefully, I’ll have it fixed soon!

Oh so soon…

*EDIT* Hooray! I figured it out!  The only problem is a lot of posts had been deleted and then re-posted which is causing problems for linking to those posts (i.e. there’s nothing there).  All the posts are here (plus some additions), they just happen to be in different “locations”.