I’ve decided to come out of retirement seeing as I no longer have any other place to deal with my pain (other than the bottom of a whiskey bottle). So, what better way to kick things off than to blubber like a little girl while I type nonsensical nonsense about the deep and terrible pain I’m feeling right now.
That’s right! Yours truly is single again!
Unfortunately, I don’t feel like celebrating this one. Why not no one is asking? Well, because this girl was special. She made me push my boundaries, made me want to be a better person and all that wonderful crap. Now, there’s no point in any of those kinds of things a relationship will bring out of you. Why should I be a better person? Why should I push my boundaries? Why should I go outside other than to buy alcohol now?
The ironic thing about the ending of our relationship is that when we first got together, I held back out of fear that this relationship would end up like every other relationship/friendship I’ve ever been: me screwed over and hurting like hell. She managed to convince me I’d be ok, that she wouldn’t hurt me like the others (I love the choice of words) and that I needed to open up. Well, I did, dammit and it felt good. Until the part where she hurt me out of fear I’d hurt her. It’s a giant clusterfuck of epicness!
If it seems like I’m using my terrible sense of humor and massive amounts of sarcasm to kill the pain…well, you’re dammed right I am. It’s the only numbing agent I have that won’t make me throw up if I use too much of it. Although, I can’t say the same for the 2 or 3 people who actually end up reading this garbage. Because, outside of alcohol and my Playstation 3, I got nothing within 2,000 miles of here to help me cope. Can’t really say I have friends in these parts (other than the people I see at work…wow, I’m lame). The closest family I have is somewhere in Houston area.
Christ, that reminds me: I stayed in California because of my ex-girlfriend. I could have moved when my parents moved, but I wanted to stay with her. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing her…wait, I still can’t and I just did. What a mind-fuck this is. I guess I could start digging for answers as to what the process is for transferring from here back east somewhere. I can’t stand the thought of living here, at least not on my own.
I know I’m not the perfect guy. I’m far, far, far from it. I’m certainly not the best boyfriend a girl could ever get their hands on (but not the worst…I’m not abusive). But, why can’t I be happy? Is it my fate to be sad and alone? Am I supposed to be a pathetic, miserable little snot who doesn’t deserve to be happy? All signs are pointing to yes. Wonderful.
I know, I’m being a bitter asshole. Well, it’s my coping mechanism. My only other choice, that I can see, is to slip into a deep sleep…forever. That might not be my best course of action, right? So, I need this. I need to rant. I need to be sarcastic. I need to pretend I’m living in some sitcom where people can erase the pain with witty remarks and flashy one-liners.
The worst part of it is that at some point tomorrow morning, I’m going to instinctively reach for my phone to text her a simple “Hi.”
Christ, I feel so alone…
July 6, 2009 at 12:55 am
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July 6, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Sorry for your loss bro,
I have no idea who you or she really are as persons and were together, but all I can say is that you’ll get over it. People don’t die of heartbreak at our age. It hurts like hell but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Peace,
Wybe
July 6, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Oh, I’m sure I’ll get over it. My only concern is how much and how fast. I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t enjoy the dating scene and would much rather find a good girl, like I did, and stay with her.
But, like I said, I think this might be the motivation I need to move back east. So, I got that going for me.