In the continuing saga known as My Luck with Women Sucks, my ability to stay positive about my relationship with my girlfriend took a major blow.
To recap: my girlfriend and I have been having some rough times lately and she recently told me she thinks she needs to move on (while being brutally honest in some aspects of what she’s unhappy with). So, I give her a couple of days to think things over, all the while wanting to hang myself, and she decides she needs to play the single life for a while to get things in her head sorted out. Fair enough, I can give her that time and I can honor her request to “stay strong for her.”
Well, today I went looking for comfort in a friend who hinted at the possibility that my girlfriend might be going for a mutual friend of ours. Despite the fact that it is highly unlikely that he’s been putting the moves on her, she would be putting the moves on him (given my history, I probably would have to kill myself) and that this friend’s logic is on shaky ground, I can’t help but react in this manner: Oh, what the fuck!!
You see, my history with women is full of me being fucked over in many different ways, none of them in the good way, including a whore of a girlfriend who found someone else. So, as you can see, I’m reliving those feelings all over again and the thoughts running through my head are tormenting me. I simply cannot go through something like that again, especially if it involves a friend of mine. It would simply be game over for me.
The worst part of it is I simply CANNOT approach my girlfriend (can I still call her that at this point?) and ask her if my other friend is batshit insane and if I’m just being paranoid. I can’t seem like I’m accusing her, especially since I can’t (and wont) believe she would, or her would, do that to me. Does this guy want her? I wouldn’t be surprised. When my girlfriend was single, he was just as interested in her as I was/am.
So, what in the hell should I do? Should I just leave it be and let it die in the back of my mind? Should I confront her? Remember, I simply refused to believe that the last girl who boned another guy behind my back and didn’t even have the ovaries to tell me about it was capable of doing that to me. And that’s what’s killing me right now, knowing I’ve been wrong before, that I’m incapable of seeing the obvious in front of me when it comes to my feelings about some girl.
The sad fact of the matter is that I saw trouble on the horizon months ago. Between her school and work and my work, there wasn’t much time to see each other and the passion in our lives kinda fizzled. Sadly enough, I had been thinking lately that if we lived together, things would be better. And they probably would since we’d be able to see each other basically everyday. The problem is affording an apartment I’d basically have to pay for, and a single runs about $1100-1200 a month around here.
I’d love to do whatever it takes to reignite that passion, but I guess any chance to do so is up to her. What really has me worried is that she tells me she can’t see marrying me. Ouch. The funny thing is, I can’t see myself marrying her (let alone anyone, to tell you the truth), but I’d love to spend my life with this girl. We shall see if I ever get that chance, huh?
EDIT: The more I think about the b.s. I’m being fed, the more I wonder if I should inform the people being accused of doing this. If it were me being accused of this, I’d want to know an acquaintance/friend is saying crap about me like this. Decisions, decisions…
July 10, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Why have you give this woman all the power in your relationship? You’re waiting for her to decide if you stay together. You’re waiting for her to reignite the passion. Screw her. What do YOU want? You want her? Why? Why would you want someone who treats you like your disposable?
Take care of yourself. Let her go. She’s telling you pretty straight forward that she wants out. Good riddance. You deserve better. Don’t settle for less.
http://bandnerdtx.wordpress.com
July 10, 2009 at 8:24 pm
I guess you’d have to understand the relationship we’ve had over the years and the crap that I’ve pulled that she’s put up with. If she could be patient with my hesitancy to really open up to her, to show her the feelings she deserved, I think I owe it to her to stick it out and see this one through.
I pretty much treated her as disposable once (which isn’t say much, I don’t really go off the deep end doing those sorts of things) and she stayed with me. If I can come to my senses, I can only hope she can do the same.
Or I could be completely wrong. Only time will tell.