I would have thought I’d have hit rock bottom at this point, but it seems I’ve quite a ways to keep falling. I mean, c’mon, I still have entire bottles of prescription drugs to get addicted to!
In all seriousness, I’m not sure how much more my mind can take. I’ve become withdrawn, I’m avoiding contact with my parents and my grandma (both of which who’ve been calling and leaving voicemails for me…), been finding the “joys” of alcohol once again (sadly enough, I’m not addicted…I’ve gone several nights without even thinking about drinking) and feeling as empty as a lost puppy. Hell, just a little while ago, I broke down crying for about 5 minutes. Out of nowhere. I haven’t done that since my Goldie died.
I honestly don’t know what has gotten into me. Did I really let some girl get so far into my heart that she’s having this effect on me? It can’t be. If that’s the case, how the hell did I let things get so bad that she would rather not have me in her life?
I’m not one to believe in fate, destiny and all that bullshit. But, what gives? Am I destined to be alone? Am I destined for something more that requires me to feel so much pain in my life that I almost can’t bear it? Am I supposed to go through this to strengthen me for something else later in life?
I just can’t understand why. Why can’t I be happy? Why must everything and every person in my life that makes life worth living leave? I was on top of the world, the happiest man in the universe and it all came crashing down on me. And that’s the story of my life. Where’s my happy ending? I’m a good person. Why can’t good things happen to me? Why can’t something as simple as love be enough for not only me but the person I’m in love with?
I feel as if I’ve entered the darkest hour of my life and, quite honestly, I’m not entirely certain it’s something I can survive. I truly feel as if I’m slipping, losing my grip on everything that makes me who I am. I’m backed into a corner and my options are quickly dwindling.
For the first time in my life…I am….afraid….
